WORTHINESS, CONNECTION & GAY MEN
“I believe that connection is why we’re here. Connection is what gives meaning and purpose to our lives.” (Brene Brown)
Yet it’s something we all have a hard time with, especially in this day in time where inauthenticity is celebrated, encouraged and “liked”…Because in order to truly connect we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable and to be seen. The key to creating meaningful connections is to believe that we are worthy and good enough.
From an early age on, gay men are conditioned to believe that we are flawed and not good enough because we’re not “real men”. If that wasn’t enough to mess with a young boy’s self worth, our culture constantly perpetuates another idea in all its major marketing propaganda and media–that our worthiness and value only come from our bodies, our penises and our asses. That’s it. And as with any good marketing scheme, for most gay men this actually becomes the reality.
So to me it makes perfect sense that while living with that belief, when we’re looking for connection and intimacy, the only way we know how to connect is with our bodies, our penises and our asses…As we are made to believe that is all we have to offer. Random encounters where the hotness of the moment is often times mistaken for true intimacy and connection. On some level hoping this could be “the one”…We only end up feeling empty shortly after because there was nothing authentic or vulnerable about the experience. Not knowing any better (which is in big part due to the lack of healthy examples offered by our community) we just keep doing more of the same over and over again. Trying to fill that void of loneliness and longing for connection, repeatedly going about it the wrong way. When suddenly that doesn’t seem to do the trick anymore, we take it a step further and start numbing the pain and fear. And many find ourselves in places and situations that make us feel painfully shameful the very next day. So then to silence the pain of shame we repeat the whole cycle again.
It took me many hours on the couch, wandering in the woods and journaling to remember I am so much more and I have so much more to offer than my body. It’s not that I didn’t know I had other qualities, but I got lost somewhere along the way. Because that’s what I thought and believed was of value and that’s what people seemed to respond to. Knowing that I don’t have to be anything but who I am brought contentment and peace to my life and it allowed me to connect with people on a very different level, because I am now fully aware of who I am and understand that I am worthy of intimacy and deeper connections. We all are.