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THE FUNNY THING ABOUT ADVICE


If you asked any of my friends, they would tell you a couple of things about me. One is that I have been known to be the guy who offers unsolicited advice. The second is that you shouldn't ask for my advice/opinion unless you're absolutely ready to hear the thing you're already aware of deep down inside but dread to have confirmed. This has resulted in friends telling me to shut the fuck up because sometimes they're just not quite ready to hear the truth, and it hurts even though they know I mean well. I took it to heart. And now, I always ask first if they care to hear what I think.

But all that got me thinking a lot more about how we actually give advice.

As you know, we are all individuals and handle life's challenges differently. Some of us, who developed healthier coping skills, do best on our own. We break things down, analyze them, and then find rational solutions. Some of us need to run things by others, not necessarily because we don't know what to do but because we need a sounding board. And some of us don't trust ourselves at all, so in crucial situations, we depend entirely on advice from an outside source.

We are all much better at giving advice than following our own, and we all have strong opinions about the advice we give.

Observing myself, my friends, and my co-workers when in a situation requiring advice-giving, I noticed one thing that set me on a quest to be a better advice-giver.

The interesting thing about when people give you advice is that they are not telling you what you should do. They are telling you what they would do in your situation. The advice you get 90% of the time doesn't consider you, your past experiences, motives, triggers, fears, or joys. The advisor considers all their shit, motivations, and past experiences and then forms advice, or rather an action plan, based on their personal experiences. Not yours. Selfish little bastards! But to be perfectly honest, I think most of us are completely unaware that our advice is really just putting ourselves in your shoes, in every meaning of every word. That is why it's soooo highly subjective.

And that is why, when we are indecisive and bombarded with advice from every angle, we often feel even more lost and confused; and end up doing nothing at all. Because it doesn't feel right. Because it's not what we want to actually do.

I like getting different perspectives on any issue. Opinions, yes. Advice, no. Very few people have mastered giving objective advice. Very few people are aware enough to take a step back, consider the person standing in front of them and all who they are, and offer advice based on that.

So I challenge you to notice it. Next time someone tries to give you advice, especially someone you know, pay attention. Ask yourself, "Is this something they truly think I would do? Or is it something they would do in this situation?" I promise you the latter will turn out to be the truth more often than you'd like. And if you're on the opposite end, remember, just sitting and listening goes much further than any advice will. Or, if you're like me and have a strong urge to share your opinion, please try to consider the person you're talking to for more than just a second, and before you speak, learn from my mistakes and ask if it's ok first.

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