
I thought I knew exactly what kind of relationship I wanted for the longest time without ever thinking about it. I wanted what everybody else was having/wanting. The movie-like fairytale. I wanted all those romantic dates back-to-back every single day. I wanted to shower the guy I dated with gifts and surprises every day, then move in together, have the perfect house with the perfect everything, do and love everything together all the time, have him define me, fill all my voids, and make me happy. And, of course, live happily ever after till death do us part. Duh.
Except none of that was coming from me.
Most of these ideas were programmed in me long before I could even think of asking someone out on a date…. and then reinforced throughout my life by pretty much everyone around. Plus, my lack of self-awareness and the TV shows and movies I watched didn't help either.
I thought I was supposed to want all that, and I thought I was supposed to do all those things. But instead of taking time to figure shit out, I let my fears and inherited limited views of relationships dictate my romantic life.
Whenever I dated someone, I basically lived in a rom-com. I would forcefully try to create these 'romantic' moments and scenarios to navigate the situation in a specific direction. You know, how it 'should go.' I realized later that I didn't even care for that person. I was stuck in my head on how things were supposed to be. I had created an idea of who the other person was without paying attention to what was happening or listening to what they had to say. And if I did, it was through my glittery rainbow sunrise filter, where I only heard what I wanted to hear and what fits the scenario I had created in my head. So the guy could call me an asshole, and I would be like (with googly eyes): "Yeah, totally, I love you too."
I witnessed so many of my friends moving in with someone, getting married, or even having children when they out loud told me they didn't really want to. Still, they believe that's what they're supposed to do, and their girlfriend/boyfriend wants to, so they might as well. Never really having an honest conversation with their partner about what they want or how they see relationships. So many were just looking for someone to define them and not be alone. All because they haven't spent any time actually asking themselves, What is it I really want? Who am I? What works for me? What would make me happy in a relationship? What kind of partner do I really need? What kind of partner am I willing to be?
I looked around and realized that's how many of us live. We blindly follow whatever we are told, only to find ourselves miserable and resentful not that much later.
Being gay really helped open my mind to other possible arrangements that didn't quite follow the movie love formula. But I felt like it was just the tip of the iceberg because a lot of it was related to sex, and that's just one small part of a relationship. However, it made me curious and got me thinking about it extensively.
And by doing so...many things became clear.
All the disappointments, discomfort, and weirdness I put myself through while dating was predominantly because I never took the time to sit down and figure out what kind of relationship I wanted. I was clueless and scared, wondering if people would judge me or if I would end up utterly alone because nobody else would like a similar relationship.
What I ultimately realized is - there are no rules. We are all individuals with unique needs, beliefs, values, and priorities. And we cannot expect one set of rules to work for all. That's bonkers! What works for me might not work for you. And vice versa. That's why I believe the two people in the relationship should create their own rules from scratch. Rooted in respect and honesty.
The idea of "till death do us part" was established around the time life expectancy was about 30 and for very different reasons than love. Then evolution happened. Now we get to live longer, our reasons changed, but the rules haven't. I am not against marriage, but I believe that going into something with the expectation of it lasting forever sets us up for disappointment. Because by doing so, we're already putting pressure not only on our partner but ourselves as well. And also, because of all that expectation of how things always 'should' be, we'll miss out on experiencing and enjoying that person in the moment.
What works for me now is just letting things happen and unfold in their own time and way. I've learned to open my mind and not try to force things to be anything but what they are. And just enjoy myself.
I have learned that…
Some people don't rush into things, and some do, and that's ok
Some people don't want to live together, and some do, and that's ok
Some people don't want to see people every single day, and some do, and that's ok
Some people don't want to do everything together all the time, and some do, and that's ok
Some people want monogamous relationships, and some don't, and that's ok.
Some people want kids, and some don't, and that's ok.
Some people only want to have sex on Wednesday, and some want more, and that's ok.
Some people never wanna get married, and some do, and that's ok.
Some people like cats, and some like dogs, and that's ok.
Some people want to know all my friends, and some don't, and that's ok.
Some people will expect me to make them happy, and some will be already happy, and that's ok.
But the biggest lesson I've learned is that taking the time to figure out what I really want and being very honest about what kind of relationship works for me made it much easier and enjoyable. And what a relief it is to live by my own rules instead of blindly following some obsolete ideas made up a long time ago by god knows who.